000. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
001. Those who talk, don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
002. Air is water with holes in it.
003. He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
She: "What do you want me to yell?"
-- Benny Hill
004. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
005. "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."
006. When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
007. Those who can't write, write manuals.
008. Rule of Creative Research:
(1) Never draw what you can copy.
(2) Never copy what you can trace.
(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
009. A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
010. An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
011. What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
012. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
013. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
014. Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
015. "You'll never be the man your mother was!"
016. How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
017. The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
018. "I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again REAL soon ..."
019. Hardware -- The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
020. "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
021. Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
022. "It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
023. God is Dead.
Nietzsche is Dead.
Nietzsche is God.
024. The three biggest software lies:
1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.
2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from
will fix the microcode.
3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
025. You can't get there from here.
026. I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.
027. Dare to be naive.
028. Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
029. Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
030. Let's call it an accidental feature.
031. The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
032. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
033. Not every question deserves an answer.
034. There is brutality and there is honesty.
There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
035. Q: How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
036. Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
037. There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
039. I doubt, therefore I might be.
040. Remember the... the... uhh.....
041. Why I can't go out with you:
I'd LOVE to, but ...
-- I have to floss my cat.
-- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
-- I need to spend more time with my blender.
-- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
-- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
-- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
-- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
-- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
-- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
-- I have some really hard words to look up.
-- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
-- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
042. The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
043. If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
044. There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
don't we all.
045. As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
046. "I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
047. Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
048. "I hate dying."
049. God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
050. Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
051. "Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball."
052. Two is company, three is an orgy.
053. Stop me before I kill again!
054. 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
055. May all your PUSHes be POPped.
056. Programmers do it bit by bit.
057. I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
058. You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
059. Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana
060. Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
061. "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
062. The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
063. Killing turkeys causes winter.
064. Talent does what it can.
Genius does what it must.
You do what you get paid to do.
065. You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
066. Reactor error - core dumped!
067. I don't drink, I don't like, it makes me feel too good.
068. If you have to hate, hate gently.
069. Absence makes the heart forget.
070. Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
071. Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
072. To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
073. There's nothing very mysterious about you,
except that nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
074. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
075. And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
076. So this is it. We're going to die.
077. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
078. Gravity brings me down.
079. Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
080. "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-- Woody Allan
081. Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.
-- Arabian proverb
082. "Don't say yes until I finish talking."
083. If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
084. Doing gets it done.
085. Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
086. You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
087. The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
088. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
089. Vegetables are what food eats.
Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good.
Fish are fast moving vegetables.
Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.
090. THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES: The one who has the gold makes the rules.
091. Are women human?
In the year 584, in Lyon, France,
43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops,
after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no.
Women were declared human by one vote.
092. Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
093. The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
094. Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.
095. Nothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?
096. Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
097. God is real, unless declared integer.
098. Logic doesn't apply to the real world.
099. "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
100. Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to ..... to ........ uh ..............
101. Don't get even -- get odd!
102. Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
103. [ the same as 7 ]
104. "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
105. "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people."
106. I'm successful because I'm lucky.
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
107. Osborn's Law:
Variables won't; constants aren't.
108. In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
109. A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
110. Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
110. If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
111. Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
112. As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality.
One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly
useful and interesting, I just had to share it.
Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
1. I think beavers work too hard.
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
3. God is love.
4. I like mannish children.
5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
9. I believe I smell as good as most people.
10. Frantic screams make me nervous.
11. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room
full of mice.
12. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
13. A wide necktie is a sign of disease.
14. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
15. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
16. My eyes are always cold.
17. Cousins are not to be trusted.
18. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
19. I am never startled by a fish.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
113. "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
what the hell, they caught him.
114. Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution.
115. University, n.:
Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
116. Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and
captain of your soul.
117. In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
118. You are standing on my toes.
119. When forecasting, give them a number or give them a date, but never both.
Marrying a pregnant woman.
121. Without love intelligence is dangerous; without intelligence love is not enough.
122. When people have trouble communicating,
the least they can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
123. Unfair animal names:
-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
-- sapsucker -- Clarence
124. Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
125. Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in yout face.
126. The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
127. When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults.
128. Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
129. "It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!"
130. If *I* had a hammer, there would be no more folksingers!
131. Here lies my wife: her let her lie!
Now she's at rest, and so am I.
-- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife
132. No matter how much you do you never do enough.
133. People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
134. The identical is equal to itself, since it is different.
135. Cold hands, no gloves.
136. Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.)
137. I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
138. "Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
"Oh, it's not dead then."
"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to
be on the safe side."
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval
traditions of sorcery and black art.
140. ... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...
141. Hi! How are things going?
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
May I ask ONE then?
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
142. She sells cshs by the cshore.
143. If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
144. Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
145. Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
146. Grabel's Law:
2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
147. Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
148. Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
149. TRUST ME:
Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
150. You can't hug a child with nuclear arms.
151. Byte your tongue.
152. The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
153. Chairman of the Bored.
154. Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
And so am I.
155. War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
156. Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
157. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
158. May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
159. I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
160. THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
1) Where's the bathroom?
2) What time does the parade start?
3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
161. Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
162. Answers to Last Fortunes' Questions:
1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
3) You don't know. Neither does your boss.
4) Who cares?
5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
Unfortunately, I lost it.
6) I know the answer to this one, but I'm not
telling! Suffer! Ha-ha-ha!!
7) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 10,953 of
my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
163. Batteries not included.
164. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
165. "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"
"Oh, about $500."
"Whattaya got for collateral?"
"How about an eye?"
-- Sam Giancana
166. Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
167. If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish.
-- Chinese Proverb
168. "I like your game but we have to change the rules."
169. Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
170. Yes, but which self do you want to be?
171. You can go anywhere if you look serios and carry a clipboard.
172. Equal bytes for women.
173. Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
174. You will feel hungry again in another hour.
175. The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.
-- J. Gooding
176. "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it."
-- Clarence Darrow
177. Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.
178. Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
179. Your lucky color has faded.
180. God doesn't play dice.
-- Albert Einstein
181. By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
182. 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
183. I am a computer.
I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
184. Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
185. "Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
186. "I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
187. The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
188. Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
189. The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
190. Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits...
191. /* Haley */
192. I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police.
-- Keith Richards
I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of
-- Keith Richards
193. 100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
FE buckets of bits on the bus...
194. Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.
-- Edgar W. Howe
195. Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't
want to own one.
-- W.C. Fields
196. History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
197. An aphorism is never exactly true;
it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths.
-- Karl Kraus
198. All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands.
-- Saint Patrick
199. That that is is that that is not is not.
200. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.
You'll learn a lot today.
201. What I tell you three times is true.
202. What they said:
What they meant:
"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
(And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
(And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
(The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)
Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?
A: I think I'm drunk.
Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
204. [ the same as 93 ]
205. I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
206. "I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
207. [Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
-- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
-- Cheers, King of the Hill
208. Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
209. [A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-- Joseph Campbell
210. Wanna buy a duck?
211. [ the same as 77 ]
212. "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
213. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
-- Sigmund Freud
214. "I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
-- English Professor, Providence College
215. The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it
is your move.
-- Frank Crane
216. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
217. Never, ever lie to someone you love
unless you're absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
218. Be careful! Is it classified?
219. Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
220. When all other means of communication fail, try words.
221. I think, therefore I am... I think.
222. "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."
223. Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
224. The Modelski Chain Rule:
1: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your
head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your
2: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly
3: Procure a large chain.
4: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
225. KANSAS: Where the men are men and so are the women!
226. Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
227. I'm glad I was not born before tea.
-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
228. To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
229. Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
230. "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis
shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
231. Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
232. A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
233. Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.
234. "A penny for your thoughts?"
"A dollar for your death."
-- The Odd Couple
235. If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
236. This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
237. Too much of everything is just enough.
238. I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
239. On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
-- Wolfgang Pauli
240. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
241. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
242. If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough.
Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life.
243. Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
number of times you have looked at it.
244. If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
245. If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
246. Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
247. C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success.
248. God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
249. Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
250. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
251. Three rules for sounding like an expert:
1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.
2. Always point out second-order effects,
but never point out when they can be ignored.
3. Come up with three rules of your own.
252. DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!!
-- The Adventurer
253. The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
254. Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
255. Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
256. Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
257. Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
258. "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives"
259. Maier's Law:
If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
(1) The bigger the theory, the better.
(2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
obtain a correspondence with the theory.
260. Don't let your status become too quo!
261. "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
262. Life is both difficult and time consuming.
263. Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people.
264. Dr. Livingston?
Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
265. He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
266. The time is right to make new friends.
267. I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
268. Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
269. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith
does not prove anything.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
270. It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded.
271. Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly.
I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was
272. The Truth Shall Rape You Over.
273. Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
274. If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
275. Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
276. Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
277. The covers of this book are too far apart.
-- Book review by Ambrose Bierce
278.Let us never negotiate out of fear,
but let us never fear to negotiate.
-- John F. Kennedy
279. No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
280. I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
-- Chico Marx
1. If it doesn't smell like chilli, it probably isn't.
2. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
3. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
4. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
5. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
6. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
7. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
8. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
9. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
10. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
282. "I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
283. I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they
didn't is just lyin'!
-- Willie Nelson
284. Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
285. Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
286. In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original.
287. "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."
288. Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
289. With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about?
-- Pink Floyd
290. Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.
-- R.A. Heinlein
291. We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
292. Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
293. Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
294. I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the
streets and frighten the horses.
295. It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
296. CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
297. [ the same as 61 ]
298. Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if
quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and
and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and
Chips, as well as after Chips?
299. I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
300. Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they
can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.
301. Absence makes the heart go wander.
302. He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
-- John LeCarre
303. We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
304. Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
305. "People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
-- Ken Kesey
306. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
To be or not to be.
To do is to be.
To be is to do.
Do be do be do.
308. If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
-- Ernest Hemingway
309. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
310. Nothing succeeds like success.
311. If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
312. "I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
313. Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
314. If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
315. If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
316. What time is it? I don't know, it keeps changing.
317. The way to make a small fortune in the
commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
318. If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
319. You will have a long and boring life.
320. Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
321. How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi $i done" in a GUI?
-- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces
322. In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her
husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
be free of subjugation.
-- The Hindu Code of Manu
323. Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record.
Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date?
Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women.
-- Lank and Earl
324. If you don't like the way i drive stay off the sidewalk.
325. If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
326. Why be difficult, when, with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
327. Make a wish, it might come true.
328. There is no future in time travel.
329. Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
330. Maintainer's Motto:
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
331. The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think.
2. If you do think, don't speak.
3. If you think and speak, don't write.
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign.
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
"I'm dying," he croaked.
"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
"You snake," she rattled.
"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
"Company's coming," she guessed.
"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"
333. "I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
334. Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
335. So much food, and so little time!
336. The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go
to erase it.
-- Glaser and Way
337. The eyes of taxes are upon you.
338. A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
339. I haven't come far enough and don't call me baby.
340. Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it
breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
341. If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many
books on how to?
342. Time goes, you say?
Time stays, *we* go.
343. Something better...
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't
mind putting that thing away.
8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important.
It's what's in it that matters.
9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye
10 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95.
11 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps
12 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."
-- Steve Martin, "Roxanne"
344. "Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
345. " I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
standing still ..."
346. This is supposed to be a happy occasion.
Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who!
347. The rules:
1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
2: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at
the console keyboard.
3: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little
card decks together.
4: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system,
especially if you're already married.
5: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as
a stool to reach another disk pack.
6: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour
7: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their
files/backup just to see the look on their little faces.
8: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job.
9: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room.
10: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens".
348. Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.
349. [ the same as 247 ]
350. [ the same as 45]
351. "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes; I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."
-- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington
352. Idiot Box, n.:
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the
stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
353. It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
354. Everything you know is wrong!
355. I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
356. When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
357. Beware the one behind you.
A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
359. Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
360. Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that
swallowed the canary.
Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
-- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
-- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
362. Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
363. Female rabbits:
The gift that just "keeps on giving."
367. She often gave herself very good advice
(though she very seldom followed it).
368. Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
370. A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
372. Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
373. On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT.
374. When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
375. After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
376. Ducks? What ducks??
377. When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
378. You roll my log, and I will roll yours.
-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
379. Academicians care, that's who.
380. From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
That is the point that must be reached.
-- F. Kafka
381. If a nation expects to be ignorant and free,
... it expects what never was and never will be.
-- Thomas Jefferson
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
383. I'll be Grateful when they're Dead.
384. Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
385. Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
386. Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
387. Whistler's Law:
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
388. C for yourself.
389. Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
390. It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
391. MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
392. I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
393. What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
394. Truth can wait; he's used to it.
395. I like young girls. Their stories are shorter.
396. During the Reagan-Mondale debates:
Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
perform as president?"
Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and
397. Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammmer or get a splinter in it.
398. We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
399. Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. Cheat.
400. I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
401. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
402. Your supervisor is thinking about you.
403. If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
404. "The pyramid is opening!"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
405. Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
406. Stay the curse.
407. Familiarity breeds attempt.
408. Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
409. "Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
410. Home is where the hurt is.
411. At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
412. A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
413. Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats!
Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!
414. Matter cannot be created or destroyed,
nor can it be returned without a receipt.
415. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
416. "Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
417. It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
418. If the rich could pay the poor to die for them,
what a living the poor could make!
419. The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
420. A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
421. It is bad luck to be superstitious.
422. Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
423. You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
424. What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.
-- Nikita Khruschev
425. If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that
fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and
426. Random, n:
as in number, predictable.
as in memory access, unpredictable.
427. One person's error is another person's data.
428. There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
429. Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer.
Sorry for the confusion.
-- Sun Microsystems
430. If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.
-- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn"
431. One picture is worth 128K words.
432. I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
433. There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
434. Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
435. Real Users know your home telephone number.
436. Universe, n.:
437. Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
438. Alden's Laws:
(1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
(2) Always be backlit.
(3) Sit down whenever possible.
-- Charlie Chaplin
-- Harpo Marx
-- Marcel Marceau
440. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
-- Winston Churchill
441. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
442. Someday your prints will come.
A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
444. The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone
beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why!
445. I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
-- Charles Schulz
446. If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
447. I will always love the false image I had of you.
448. ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
449. If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having
done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
450. The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws:
1. You can't push on a string.
2. Ain't no free lunches.
3. Them as has, gets.
4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
451. Do you suffer painful elimination?
-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"
Do you suffer painful recrimination?
-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"
Do you suffer painful illumination?
-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"
Do you suffer painful hallucination?
-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda
452. Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
453. There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right
keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.
-- J.S. Bach
454. There are no answers, only cross-references.
455. We are the people our parents warned us about.
456. Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom.
Probably soon after she throws me out.
457. Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
458. Real Time, adj.:
Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
459. Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
460. Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!!
461. 69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
462. Did I say 2? I lied.
463. Immutability, Three Rules of:
(1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
(2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
(3) If a teenager can go out, he will.
464. Linus' Law:
There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
465. LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
466. If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is.
467. He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him.
468. Famous last words:
(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
(2) "You and what army?"
(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
469. The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean
the snakes have gone away.
470. nolo contendere:
A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do
471. Whatever became of eternal truth?
472. Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
473. Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life.
474. Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.
475. [ the same as 281 ]
476. "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
477. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
478. You fill a much-needed gap.
479. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
480. This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose
invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
481. Don't eat yellow snow.
482. The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
483. Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.
484. Endless Loop: n. see Loop, Endless.
Loop, Endless: n. see Endless Loop.
-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
485. [ the same as 356 ]
486. All that glitters has a high refractive index.
487. Excellent time to become a missing person.
488. Include me out.
489. 10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. A beer won't make you go to church.
2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
other beers on the side.
5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
folk music on yer fave radio station.
7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an
enormous can of vegetable juice.
10. A beer won't smoke in your car.
490. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
"You are *so* lovely."
"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess."
492. If you are not for yourself, who will be for you?
If you are for yourself, then what are you?
If not now, when?
493. There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
494. "Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
-- Douglas Hofstadter
495. Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
496. Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth.
497. If you love something set it free. If it doesn't
come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
498. If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
499. I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
500. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
501. If I love you, what business is it of yours?
-- Johann van Goethe
Bees are very busy souls
They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
503. You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
504. Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
505. It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
506. Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.
-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
507. If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
508. "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
509. Some things have to be believed to be seen.
510. Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and
go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your
arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself.
511. There was a young fellow named Goody
Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
If he found himself nude
With a gal in the mood
The question's not woody but could he?
512. When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
513. "Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
-- George Saunders' dying words
514. I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
515. I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
516. Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
517. Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
519. Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
520. Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
521. Linux is obsolete.
-- Andrew Tanenbaum
522. It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
523. The church is near but the road is icy,
the bar is far away but I will walk carefully.
-- Russian Proverb
524. To do nothing is to be nothing.
525. Hate the sin and love the sinner.
-- Mahatma Gandhi
526. grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
527. The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is
thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia
is thinking that they're conspiring.
-- J. Kegler
528. You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
metal objects which are not fastened down.
529. Never explain.
Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway.
530. Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?"
531. A Linux machine! Because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!
532. If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
533. It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
534. When license fees are too high, users do things by hand.
When the management is too intrusive, users lose their spirit.
Hack for the user's benefit.
Trust them; leave them alone.
535. Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
536. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
537. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
538. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
539. If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
540. A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
541. Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work,
so most people don't recognize them.
542. Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
543. Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
544. Oh, give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.
545. He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
546. I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
547. Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
548. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
549. A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair.
550. Rules for Academic Deans:
(2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
-- Father Damian C. Fandal
Under OBSOLETE state.
web at ps.id.lv
(C)Kirils Solovjovs, 2002-2006